The Mayor and the Hair: Link of the Day: Is this even a question?

The web's latest sad and desperate attempt to transform itself into ultra-hip Web 2.0 belongs to eBay.

Apparently, being the web's #1 resource for Full House merchandise (hello, holiday shopping) just isn't good enough for today's youth. Apparently, eBay's marketing execs think of today's youth as having goldfish-like attention spans for anything that doesn't allow them to leave meaningless and poorly spelled comments on the web. Yes, bloodthirsty consumers who will forget you faster than they can text their MySpace friends about how their nano totally kicks your Wii's ass, while doing the Dew or totally slamming some X-treme Doritos.

So the uber-site decided to go with a tried and true method of success: ride the coattails of someone way cooler than you right into sweet, undeserved popularity. And who is quite possibly the coolest person one could choose? That's right, they piggybacked on Uncle Jesse.

The link will take you to a "match-up" where users must decide which person/thing best answers a simple question, as in boxers or briefs? Nevermind that these "match-ups" are blatant wastes of time. Nevermind that they're an embarrassing fumbling of the word "mash-up" (but the kids love those crazy songs, or so I hear!). This face-off dared to ask readers if they would prefer the company of a) our Uncle Jesse or b) the stern, pointing figure of Uncle Sam.

First off, as I pointed out in an earlier post, what's with angry pointing Uncles? According to the popular image, once your sibling has a kid, you turn into a pushy asshole. Uncle J is cool, laid back, and lovable. Okay, there was that one time DJ and Gibbler were all up in his recording equipment and taped over his jingle with Kimmy's inane whining. But come on, it's Kimmy. That day's outfit was particularly eyeball-shattering, and she might have even used her blood-curdling epithet, "Mr. Goodpart."

Okay, Uncle Jesse screamed and freaked out a little. But one look at Kimmy's scrunchied side-tail bobbing over her gaping cow eyes and you would fly into a violent rage. I guarantee it.

In retrospect, I think Jesse showed remarkable restraint. Plus, Jess bought DJ a whole drum set to make up for it, and he still sat down for a heart-to-heart with her about family values. Maybe that's why The Hair is such a fantastic guy. Definitely his agreeable, boyish charm is one solid reason for picking him over ever-angry Uncle Sam. Nevermind that Jess knows to never let a fussy van dyke distract from his mane--or to cover it with a gaudy hat, no less.

Secondly, I don't think this is the time for good ol' Uncle S. to be getting in any popularity contests. Do you read the news, eBay? Ever heard of a little country called Iraq? You're pushing it. The closest Uncle J ever came to a bloody, uncalled for occupation was the time the Tanners got snowed in at the airport overnight, and he even then he was wearing a cheery holiday-themed sweater. And his hair looked consistently great--even in the face of a pressing gel shortage!

Okay, but here's the real travesty: when I checked out the link, the competition was dead even. Fifty-fifty. Whaaaa? Are blind monkeys somehow navigating to this site, then randomly mashing the mouse with banana-smeared fists, thus "voting" for someone other than Uncle J? I mean, the monkeys would have to be blind. We know that monkeys love Jess, and any monkey in charge of his or her faculties would click one for Katsopolis: