20-year-old model to ruin JesseGav friendship?

I hate to start our blog this way, but it has to be reported: Uncle Jesse and Gavin aren’t speaking. In fact, just last week, a haggard Jesse -- hair air-dried and product-free -- was seen briskly escorted out of City Hall and thrown into the nearest cab, according to one anonymous source. The root of this rift? Gavin’s new 20-year-old model girlfriend, Brittanie Mountz.

We hear that following Gavin’s first public appearance with Brittanie at the opening of the SF Symphony, Jesse was thrown into a rage. Apparently Jesse thought he had succeeded in foiling the relationship until the Gav showed up at the symphony, looking like an indulgent uncle with his admiring niece in tow. Part of Jesse’s resistance to the relationship is likely his memory of the fiasco that ensued after DJ started dating an older guy -- one of his Jesse and The Rippers bandmates, no less. We all know how that ended. Jesse undoubtedly sees Brittanie as the damaged young girl DJ might have become had she not had the guidance of three stand-up father figures.

So, being the sensitive family guy that he is, we can’t really fault Uncle J for his anger. We can even excuse reports that he went so far as to declare that Gavin’s “greasy, gang-banger hair” was a failed attempt at imitating his own “voluminous blow-dried look.” (After which, the Gav reportedly touched the hair, waging a full-on two-handed assault on Jesse’s do.)

Gavin no doubt plays his part in this -- he is an adult, afterall. But, we can’t help but think that Gavin is dealing with some serious inner demons. Maybe his recent divorce, paired with all the talk of his presidential viability has him overwhelmed. His past relationships suggest that he favors intelligent, albeit freakishly hot, women -- as in, the ink in their high school yearbooks isn’t still drying.

And, shall we look at how this friendship-wrecker spells her name? Isn’t there a general rule about people whose names end with an “ie”? Like: They’re strippers? (Don’t worry, we’re looking into the possibility.) And, as for her last name: What, is she the star of some kind of X-rated circus or something? (“Tonight’s sextacular: Brittanie Mountz and her array of disappearing kitchen utensils!”) Not to mention, if the Gav and Brittanie were to have a child and -- per enlightened San Francisco thinking -- give him/her a hyphenated last name it would be “Mountz-Newsom.” Which just, like, totally sounds incestuous.

I apologize for the uncharacteristic cattiness. But, according to an anonymous source, Jesse’s signed up for several back-to-back shifts at Yellow Cab and, quite frankly, I’m worried about him. It seems that -- their late-‘90s coke binge aside -- the boys have never so needed one another’s friendship and this unsophisticated 20-year-old model has come between them.

--Maggie Arlington