WiFi, don't mess with the hair, huh?
On Sunday, Alex broke the news that the realization of San Francisco’s citywide WiFi network was being held up because of Uncle Jesse’s extreme misapprehensions about technology. Indeed, in Jesse's world there are only four technological innovations that rock: hairdryers, jukeboxes, electric guitars and Aqua Net. But, I’ve dug a little further and it seems our loveable Luddite’s fears may be well founded.
There’s a growing movement to raise awareness about a condition sadly ignored by most of the scientific world: electromagnetic field sensitivity. Sufferers experience headaches, nausea, short-term memory loss and the feeling of “being shouted at all the time” whenever subjected to a WiFi network. In fact, Cindy Sage of Sage EMF Design, which conducts surveys of these fields, has published a 30-page critique of none other than San Francisco’s WiFi plans, Wired reports.
But, there's more. I managed to speak with an anonymous source from a local EMF sensitivity advocacy group who revealed that within the last few weeks a “sexy voiced” man had called repeatedly, identifying himself by Jesse's birth name, Hermes. Interestingly, he inquired about the effects of EMF on “filamentous outgrowths of dead cells” -- in other words, hair.
Let’s review the science, folks: Peer-reviewed studies have found that these low-frequency fields can damage human tissue and cause “cell death, faster-growing tumors and DNA damage.” DNA damage! If these WiFi signals can wreak havoc on human tissue, just imagine what they could do to human hair. Even freakishly good, resilient hair. I don't like jumping to conclusions, but I think we can all agree that this suggests that the WiFi hold up goes beyond even Gavin's selfless attempt at first catapulting Uncle J into the Internet age. We're talking about the possible destruction of the very essence of JesseGavin.
Gavin, we forgive you for not revealing the truth -- you can never reveal your weaknesses when enemies lurk nearby. Luckily, we’re all friends here. And Jesse, it seems pretty clear that you followed your misgivings about the implementation of citywide WiFi, discovered the serious health threat and, like Superman -- with a super mane -- single-handedly saved our fair Metropolis from certain illness, possibly even death. For that, we are eternally indebted to you.
--Maggie Arlington
There’s a growing movement to raise awareness about a condition sadly ignored by most of the scientific world: electromagnetic field sensitivity. Sufferers experience headaches, nausea, short-term memory loss and the feeling of “being shouted at all the time” whenever subjected to a WiFi network. In fact, Cindy Sage of Sage EMF Design, which conducts surveys of these fields, has published a 30-page critique of none other than San Francisco’s WiFi plans, Wired reports.
But, there's more. I managed to speak with an anonymous source from a local EMF sensitivity advocacy group who revealed that within the last few weeks a “sexy voiced” man had called repeatedly, identifying himself by Jesse's birth name, Hermes. Interestingly, he inquired about the effects of EMF on “filamentous outgrowths of dead cells” -- in other words, hair.
Let’s review the science, folks: Peer-reviewed studies have found that these low-frequency fields can damage human tissue and cause “cell death, faster-growing tumors and DNA damage.” DNA damage! If these WiFi signals can wreak havoc on human tissue, just imagine what they could do to human hair. Even freakishly good, resilient hair. I don't like jumping to conclusions, but I think we can all agree that this suggests that the WiFi hold up goes beyond even Gavin's selfless attempt at first catapulting Uncle J into the Internet age. We're talking about the possible destruction of the very essence of JesseGavin.
Gavin, we forgive you for not revealing the truth -- you can never reveal your weaknesses when enemies lurk nearby. Luckily, we’re all friends here. And Jesse, it seems pretty clear that you followed your misgivings about the implementation of citywide WiFi, discovered the serious health threat and, like Superman -- with a super mane -- single-handedly saved our fair Metropolis from certain illness, possibly even death. For that, we are eternally indebted to you.
--Maggie Arlington
posted by jessegavin at 9:42 PM
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