Where's IT at?

It’s been about a year since The Mayor first started making promises about outfitting the entire city of San Francisco with free wi-fi. As a journalist, blogger, and online shop-a-holic (but who could resist this total find?), I am behind this idea one hundred percent! (Of course it being Gavin’s idea helps just a smidge, too.) So, like me, I’m sure you’ve been wondering, “Hey, Gav! What’s the hold up?”

Well, while The Chronicle might be breaking "news" about community meetings and negotiations with Google and Earthlink over "personal security" issues, I, Alex Newkirk, am here to break the truth. The root of the hold up all goes back to the Hair.

You see, Gavin just doesn't feel right about implementing the new technology without his good buddy Jesse K. on board. According to Jesse's neighbor/borrower of sugar, Gladys Hornpepperschmidt, it all began one fateful day in October 2005, and it went a little something like this:

(knocking on door)

Jesse: Yello?

Gavin: It's me, and I've got fresh Moo-Shu! Open up!

Jesse: Oh boy!

(door opens, muffled sounds)

Gavin: Hm, I knew you'd be excited about the moo-shu.

Jesse: Oh, the moo-shu helps.



Gavin: So, I wanted to rap with you a bit about something that's been a bee in my bonnet over at the Hall.

Jesse: Shoot, my man.

Gavin: Well, one day as I was riding the bus to work, surrounded by the sweaty hopefulness of The People, I wondered, what can I do to make their lives better?

Jesse: Oh, Gav. You wonder that everyday!

Gavin: True. But, I don't know. I was just feeling extra inspired that day. It was right after we'd seen Mad Hot Ballroom, and--

Jesse: Omigod, that was so good.

Gavin: I know, right? Anyway, I had the idea to outfit the entire city of San Francisco with free Wi-fi! That way anybody, anywhere could access the internet!

Jesse: The inter-what-what?

Gavin: The internet. It's so essential to the lives of thinking people everywhere that I can't even think of a definition so much as to simply repeat myself: The internet.

Jesse: (laughs) Oh, yeah, I hear you now, buddy. I go through about a can of that stuff a day to keep my hair in place!

Gavin: (stunned silence)

Jesse: You gonna finish that?



Later, The Mayor tossed and turned on his satin pillow. His wi-fi plan was meant to bring the internet to all people of San Francisco. If he was honest with himself, there was one particular person in San Francisco he cared about above all the rest--and especially more than that smug-faced Robin Williams. Gav couldn't let his plan happen without making sure his good friend Uncle J. was tech-savvy enough to reap the benefits. Thus began a long and arduous campaign to rid The Hair of his 1980's technology--one see-through telephone and hypercolor beer cozy at a time.



But I'm here to report a sad update. Jesse is still clinging to the technology, and let's face it--the good times, of the 1980's. Just look at the band demo he's been passing around town:



Ever heard of a CD, Uncle J?

While I admire Gavin's commitment to his technologically-inept friend, I'd ask him to consider that the rest of us are patiently waiting for our long-deserved free stuff. Here's hoping that The Gav is able to bring Jesse into the 21st century sometime soon, so we can all obsessively check our inboxes while waiting for cappuccinos at Blue Bottle.

Meanwhile, I have to hand it to him--Jesse is giving the year 2006 the old college try. Recent sources have spotted him timidly lurking outside a T-Mobile outlet, and the days when he brought home a helmet and knee-pads for his first internet lesson are long gone. And for his efforts, rumor has it that a certain someone will be getting a certain "glowing mp3 device-pod" in his stocking this year!

--Alex Newkirk