The Sincerest Form of Flattery?

Or should I say Fattery?

I know, I know. "Those kinds of cheap insults aren't like you, Alex." I'm upset, and my emotions are on some kind of Leaving Las Vegas-style bender I just can't control.



Usually, I'm a huge fan of Google. Like a migrating bird returning to its nest after a long winter, I instinctively, compulsively search a few of my favorite terms: Mayor Gavin, Gavin Hair, Jesse Katsopolis, and of course, Uncle Jesse. That's how I came across the above image.

That's right, this uglier, fatter, balding man is clogging up the search results for our beloved Uncle J.

Forget that fact that Google, my most dependable and mockery-free newsroom colleague, has betrayed me. I just can't stand the thought of our Uncle J having to deal with this. Who is this angry yokel, what is he up to, and what on earth is he pointing at?

Well, I have no idea who this imposter Uncle Jesse is, but I'm not afraid to admit that I don't trust him or anyone who chooses to wear overalls past the age of four. And here's guessing that whatever he has hidden in those cabinets isn't fatherly advice and excellent comedic timing.

It's time for action. Surely something can be done to tip the search scales in favor of our well-coiffed hero. Anyone with ideas please report! I mean, The Hair may not have the physical girth of our Kentucky Fried nemesis, but he makes up for it with heart and a boat-load of style. Could this so-called "Uncle Jesse" rock this 'do around his bald spot, or sustain the coolness of having a working jukebox in his bedroom? Ha! His moonshine-stained overalls would bust at their mended seams with the effort.



And as for me, with my emergency supply of Toblerones officially decimated, things looks pretty bleak. I just might have to call in sick tomorrow, take a day, and work through this one step at a time. Here's hoping I'm up to the challenge.

-- Alex Newkirk