Dark Days; Sleazy Ways

Friends, it’s a little hard to bring myself to the keyboard for this one. As I’m sure you’ve all been avidly following, The Mayor is dating again. Yet, like some backwards evolutionary disaster, he insists on crashing his way down the food chain, downgrading from ambitious reporter to beautiful, yet Scientology-tainted actress to his latest: frat party-pretty model/hostess/20 year old, Brittanie Mountz.

Yes, 20 year old. When I saw the photos, I must admit it hit me a little hard. First of all, at 25 to his 39, I never dreamed that I’d have to worry about being too old for The Mayor. I may not have the plasticy sheen of perfection and robot-like facial symmetry that Mayor Newsom seems to prefer, but I at least thought I had the sweet glow (read: dewy haze) of youth on my side. Now I'm left to hope that I can use my reporting skills to spin those extra five years into worldly experience.

But the real knife in my heart is the rift this floozy fiasco has caused between JesseGavin, now tragically riven into Jesse and Gavin. And what is that veritable conjuction driving these two BFF's apart? That's right. Brittanie Mountz. As I’m sure you’ve noticed from Maggie’s report, The Hair is more than a little upset by the development, and from her sources, Jess is no longer on speaking terms with his amorous amigo.

As hard as it is for me to even see Jesse and Gavin as two distinct people, so seamless is their rapport, I must bite the bullet and side with The Hair on this issue. Jesse’s caring instincts and paternal experience are (as usual!) the voice of reason. When will Gavin learn? San Francisco’s First Lady should not also be mathematically eligible to be its First Daughter. And I hardly see Brittanie Mountz as California’s Dolley Madison, even if they do both insist on cramming extra vowels into their names.

We all know that The Mayor is a complex and intelligent individual--I’m sure he has many fascinating thoughts to divine on his would-be better half. What appeal is there in dating a 20 year old, who’s barely even a month into the title? One can only crack so many jokes about poor Jeeves bringing up the Hamburger Helper and pizza rolls on the silver before it starts to wear thin.



Maybe my faith need not be shaken—this could be a classic Newsom maverick master plan at work. Is Gavin trying to reach out to energize the young Democratic base—arguably one of modern politics' most important constituencies? Gavin, you had us at hello! No need to try and schmooze your way into our hearts by taking one of our ranks out to the symphony, all the while smiling wolfishly in your tux. Frankly, such a stunt smacks of trying to hard, and if hours of studying MTV for clues has taught me anything it's that while the 18-24 are incapable of understanding subtlety, they also become suspicious and apathetic in the face of actual emotion.

All you had to do was name drop The Killers into your next speech, or convince us you vetted your next appointee by Googling her and adding her as your MySpace friend! You sang/mangled "I Left My Heart in San Francisco" to woo the city’s glassy-eyed senior base, why not rap a little Jay-Z for the youngsters and call it a day? Then head home to a nice woman who won't giggle that her "Dad listens to this" when you pop in your Sade CD to set the mood.

--Alex Newkirk

20-year-old model to ruin JesseGav friendship?

I hate to start our blog this way, but it has to be reported: Uncle Jesse and Gavin aren’t speaking. In fact, just last week, a haggard Jesse -- hair air-dried and product-free -- was seen briskly escorted out of City Hall and thrown into the nearest cab, according to one anonymous source. The root of this rift? Gavin’s new 20-year-old model girlfriend, Brittanie Mountz.

We hear that following Gavin’s first public appearance with Brittanie at the opening of the SF Symphony, Jesse was thrown into a rage. Apparently Jesse thought he had succeeded in foiling the relationship until the Gav showed up at the symphony, looking like an indulgent uncle with his admiring niece in tow. Part of Jesse’s resistance to the relationship is likely his memory of the fiasco that ensued after DJ started dating an older guy -- one of his Jesse and The Rippers bandmates, no less. We all know how that ended. Jesse undoubtedly sees Brittanie as the damaged young girl DJ might have become had she not had the guidance of three stand-up father figures.

So, being the sensitive family guy that he is, we can’t really fault Uncle J for his anger. We can even excuse reports that he went so far as to declare that Gavin’s “greasy, gang-banger hair” was a failed attempt at imitating his own “voluminous blow-dried look.” (After which, the Gav reportedly touched the hair, waging a full-on two-handed assault on Jesse’s do.)

Gavin no doubt plays his part in this -- he is an adult, afterall. But, we can’t help but think that Gavin is dealing with some serious inner demons. Maybe his recent divorce, paired with all the talk of his presidential viability has him overwhelmed. His past relationships suggest that he favors intelligent, albeit freakishly hot, women -- as in, the ink in their high school yearbooks isn’t still drying.

And, shall we look at how this friendship-wrecker spells her name? Isn’t there a general rule about people whose names end with an “ie”? Like: They’re strippers? (Don’t worry, we’re looking into the possibility.) And, as for her last name: What, is she the star of some kind of X-rated circus or something? (“Tonight’s sextacular: Brittanie Mountz and her array of disappearing kitchen utensils!”) Not to mention, if the Gav and Brittanie were to have a child and -- per enlightened San Francisco thinking -- give him/her a hyphenated last name it would be “Mountz-Newsom.” Which just, like, totally sounds incestuous.

I apologize for the uncharacteristic cattiness. But, according to an anonymous source, Jesse’s signed up for several back-to-back shifts at Yellow Cab and, quite frankly, I’m worried about him. It seems that -- their late-‘90s coke binge aside -- the boys have never so needed one another’s friendship and this unsophisticated 20-year-old model has come between them.

--Maggie Arlington